Cocooning

Like a Caterpillar who is slow, and somewhat ugly, I Cocooned for 2 years, in a dark space, waiting for the right timing to be released and become a Butterfly.
I had struggled some of my adult years with Depression, but in 2015 it became suffocating and unbearable.  For 2 years straight, I did not feel peace, or hope.
  I wrestled with trusting that this could be God's will for me for the rest of my life.
I was a faithful Woman in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I did good to others.  I was striving to be a good Mother and wife.

But I had so much sorrow inside of me and it poured out of me every day.  Every day, when I'd gotten the kids off to school,  I would let myself FEEL the sadness, I had learned that feeling is healing..  I would fall to the floor and let out haunting sobs and groans.  The emotional pain I felt was excruciating. Strangely though, I felt closer to God when I let out all my pain vocally.
I felt weak.  I would shake when I'd get up.  A lot of times, I couldn't get out of bed.   I would get this strange surge of heat going up my back.  It felt like FEAR just creeping up my body.  I would go into disassociation where I would check out of reality because it was too difficult for my body to sustain the pain every minute.   I would just be numb in front of my family.   I literally felt like I was in HELL.
 I felt awful that I wasn't able to take care of my children or feel any happiness for any reason--nothing  at all.
Despite many priesthood blessings, medications, and self development work I was doing, I didn't feel like anything was working, in fact, I got worse.
We had just moved into a new home, and I was having suicidal thoughts.  I thought, "Why would I want to live when  I was working so hard everyday  and God is not helping me get better?"

It was then that I had to make a choice.  End my life, or stay hopeful that someday I'd be relieved.

Deep down, I felt a conviction that Heavenly Father gave this to me for a purpose and that there HAD to be a way out.    I DID have enough faith in Him!  And instead of ruminating on thoughts of death,  I began changing my thoughts to thoughts of LIFE--what I
 WANTED-- what I looked forward to--that there was a greater plan and purpose for me.

It was extremely difficult, and for 1 whole year, I tackled changing the negative thoughts that would come.  I wrote them down.  When the thought came, "Your family will be better off without you,", I'd counter it with 2 TRUTH thoughts, even though I didn't FEEL them being true.  I'd say "My family LOVES me and NEEDS me."
The negative thoughts came every few minutes. So by the end of the day I was exhausted emotionally.  In the morning, I'd groan to have to go through another day of working with the thoughts.  I would look at the clock all day, wishing and longing for 8pm to come so that I could put my kids to bed and end this torment by going to sleep.

I had no appetite and I'd go by the mirror and see this sickly woman in the mirror, who was 30 pounds thinner than I am today.    And I would look in my sad eyes and  say to myself, " I LOVE YOU, STEPHANIE.  I TRUST God's will for me. I am getting stronger and stronger everyday.  And There is a DIVINE purpose for this."


There were small miracles that began happening.  I would always fear that my husband would get tired of me and this illness and just give up on me.  So every night he'd hold me, look me in my eyes, and tell me that he only had Love for me.  "LOVE ONLY", he'd say.  That would douse me with peace for a few minutes and some HOPE.
My Mom and another 2 of my friends each took a day out of the week, and came over to help with chores.  They brightened my day so I could get through the rest of the week.
My sweet 15 year old son would come home from school and everyday, he'd come over to me and hug me and say, "Mom, you're a good Mom."

Every day, I studied the 12 step program of the church.  It is a SPIRITUAL Journey about coming to Christ and waiting patiently for Him to Deliver me from this bondage.
And I WROTE in my journal everyday.  I would write about my fears and anger and sadness, but I'd rip those ones up, and then I would write of the truths that I knew, and all that I was grateful for. 

I learned how to submit to HIS WILL through studying the Book of Mormon.  I learned how I could have PEACE and JOY even though I was suffering.

They That Wait Upon The Lord, Shall Renew Their Strength, They Shall Mount Up with Wings of Eagles, They Shall Run and Not Be Weary Walk Faint.

Like a Butterfly, I awaited my TRANSFORMATION, daily, slowly.
  I talked to 3 different mentors every week.  It seemed like everyday, I called someone to help me get through the day. They helped me know that the Lord would not let me fail.  My dear friend would constantly remind me that the Lord was just destroying the OLD SELF, and REBUILDING the NEW ONE.   I found, through all of my searching for things that would help that  Sometimes we are too busy searching for the CURE, that we miss the HEALING.

My favorite scripture that I had memorized was in Isaiah:

They That Wait Upon The Lord, Shall Renew Their Strength, They Shall Mount Up with Wings of Eagles, They Shall Run and Not Be Weary Walk Faint.

Our Theme is "Healing in His Wings"  Christ is our Wings that frees us


2 years later, almost exactly, I began feeling better and within 2 weeks, I felt completely healed from the darkness.  It was as if my Cocoon cracked, and I became free and released from the darkness. 
I truly felt like my heart has been cleansed and my soul is  WHOLE !  I didn't have one ounce of darkness in my mind.
 Everyone asked what new medication I had gone on or what new therapy I had done, and I would look them in the eyes and respond, "It  wasn't medication, or therapy, it was the Master Healer, Jesus Christ!"
I am here to testify that Jesus Christ's Atonement CAN HEAL us here on this earth.  Not just in the heaven!    In the Bible Jesus frequently healed people instantly. Though I believe that can happen, That has not been my experience  and other's challenges I have seen on this earth.   He expects that we work HARD, wait patiently, and submit to His timing in the process.
But just like a Caterpillar is freed and made beautiful by transforming into wings of a Butterfly, we too can touch Jesus' Healing Wings and be healed from our darkness into LIGHT.

Eat the Bread of Life, Drink His Living Water,  As you LEAN on Him for Strength, you will find that you can STAND.  He'll wash away the SHAME, and PURIFY your HEART and it will NEVER be the SAME.




I

"He is A God of Miracles"

A Journey of Patience and Faith and Miracles!

My boys are about ages 6 and 8.  6 years of  infertility, I am curious and anxious to know what we need to do to become pregnant.  We had done some Fertility drugs and procedures in 2007, with no success.  We knew we had another or two more children to bring into our home.  

Jason has the gift of being able to hear the word of the Lord when he gives Priesthood Blessings.  He gave me a blessing March of 2008 that stated I have healed a lot of things internally for my body to conceive and have the children I need to have.  But Heavenly Father didn't give me specifics on HOW to do it, fertility Drs.?  Natural herbs?

A few days later I found myself doing initiatories and listened to the words.  The blessings are poignant in restoring the body to its full measure of its creation.  In Genesis 1:28, it says, " And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth".  I can be blessed to have a FERTILE body by the Lord's promises!

A week later, I went to a Christ-centered energy worker.  She taught me that eating berries everyday and avocados and Red foods helps with fertility. I eat berries almost everyday to this very day.  She also cleared energy in my ovary's (which was related to a past sexual abuse).

On March 30, 2008, Jason and I sat in the Celestial Room of the St. George Temple and had an amazing spiritual vision.  We saw 3 chairs, empty, in front of us.  Jason said, "Those are our 3 girls."  And then we saw another set of 3 chairs.  He said, "That's Houston, D.J. and our other little boy."

We conversed, and I said I was feeling "Anxious to get our family started again."  Jason replied, intuitively that "Time is only relevant on this earth.  We don't need to feel rushed, because God is PRESERVING OUR BODIES.  They aren't aging like others are.  He is doing this so I could do the work I needed to do.  He reassured me that my body will be healthy to REAR CHILDREN UP TO MY 40's." 
That revelation was given to us almost exactly 11 years ago!  And I remember it frequently.  And I am "waiting patiently on the Lord for Him to FULFILL THAT PROMISE" because I strive to be faithful.

Aug. 1, 2008, I visited my Christ-centered Energy worker.  I asked her about getting pregnant.  She said, I don't need to DO anything to get pregnant at this time, but to think about adopting.  She saw a little blond haired girl who was a toddler that chose me as her Mother, but chose to come to a different Mother first, to affect her.  She's gifted, in humanitarian work, and in healing the world.  She's a very powerful girl, and she chose her place and time of birth.  Get prepared to have her.  

She also taught me to drink red raspberry tea every day for getting pregnant. I drink it everyday.